Read this before your flight to Hawaii… for a chuckle or two…
On the Plane
My how your perfume fills the entire cabin!
‘A’ala maoli keia wahi o kakou i kau wai ‘ala kuikawa!
If I snore, I would like to apologize in advance
Ke nono au, e kala mua mai, i keia manawa ho’i.
I am filled with admiration for my in-flight meal
Kahaha ko’u na’au i ke ‘ano o ka mea ‘ai ma keia mokulele.
Only six dollars for a headset? Why thats only three dollars per ear!
Eono kala no ka ho’olohe lekio? ‘O ia ho’i, ‘ekolu wale no kala o kahi pepeiao!
Baby, Severe Turbulance is my middle name
E ku’u kumu e, mai hopohopo, ua kapa ‘ia ko’u inoa waena, ‘o ia ‘o Severe Turbulance.
Checking in to the Hotel
This is a wonderful room for a dwarf
He lumi maika’i keia e ku pololei ana i ke kanaka peke.
How nice of you to find a bed that will fit my leg
Mahalo nui loa ia ‘oe, ua loa’a mai kahi moe kupono o ka nui no ko’u wawae ‘akau wale no!
This view of your parking lot is incredible!
He kuikawa ka ‘ikena o kela wahi ho’oku ka’a e waiho kala’e ihola ma ‘o!
It’s a lovely gift, now please unwrap the toilet seat
A ‘o ia, he makana maika’i loa keia; aka, nau no e ho’ohemo i ka wahi pepa ma luna o ka noho lua la, ke ‘olu’olu.
Eating Dinner
My wife will pay the bill when she returns
Aia no a ho’i mai ka’u wahine, nana ka pila e uku aku.
These really nice napkins seem to match my underclothing
Ku maika’i keia mau kawele pepa i ke ‘ano o ko’u ‘a’ahu palema’i.
This Merlot is an ungrateful bitch
He kanapapiki mahalo ‘ole keia mea inu Merlot ia’u.
Waiter, my papaya has been previously fondled
E ke kuene, ua milimili ‘e ‘ia neia mikana!
The busboy has cursed me and I am ashamed.
Ua ho’ohalahala ‘ia mai nei au na ke kuene, a hilahila ihola au.
Pardon my flatulence, but I had refried beans and poi for breakfast
E kala mai i ka palale, i ka palali; aka ua ‘ai aku nei i papapa mo’alua a me ka poi i ke kakahiaka nei.
Speaking to the Customs Agent
I greatly admire your machine pistol
Ke mahalo nui aku nei au i ko pu.
Yes I have something to declare, “I need a shower!”
Ae, he mea ko’u e ho’ike aku ai, “He pono no ka ho’i ke ‘au’au kililau!”
Nice doggie! (Now be on your way, please)
He u’i maika’i ‘oe, e na ‘ilio kipa wale mai, o ‘auana hele aku ‘oe ‘ano.
How completely you have ripped my bags apart!
Pau weluwelu ka’u mau ukana i kou ‘ano he makaukau, tsa!
Hold me, I am feeling faint
E pa’a puliki mai, ‘ane’ane ko’u maka i ka poniuniu.
Mommie, make the bad man go away
E Mama, e kipaku ho’olele aku ‘oe i ke kanaka ‘ino.
Getting on the Bus
That was a most unusual sound. Did you eat a big breakfast?
He kani ‘ano ‘e loa kela. Ua ‘ai nui anei ‘oe ma ke kakahiaka?
You must be very proud of your large hat.
Ha’aheo no paha ‘oe i kena papale kupalaka, pehea la.
May I sleep on your lap?
I hiamoe au ma luna o kou ‘uha?
How tenderly you have nudged my buttocks with your beach bag
Nani ka pa lihi o kena ‘eke holoholo i hope o’u nei.
Doctors on Call
Can wearing a thong and running on the beach cause a rash like this?
Ua pili anei keia ‘ohune i ke komo hawele li a me ka holo wawae ma kahakai?
Damn it, man, what the hell kind of a doctor are you anyway?
E ke kamipulu, pehea la kou ‘ano kauka ‘ana mai?
Eat, Drink & Laugh, my friends…
Matthew Gray * Matthew@HawaiiFoodTours.com & Matthew@UltimateEatersGuide.com